Quotes from Elemental Chaos

Encounter 1: Elemental Encounter

Slash: You’re sweating, next to a sweaty dwarf. It’s bad.
Patrick: But Loni’s comfortable.
Slash: She’s the most comfortable she’s ever been!

Slash: Now these hidden air elementals attack.
Josh: “Why didn’t you see them?”
Matt: “They’re air! They could have been your air!”
Josh: “I didn’t second wind yet!”

Josh: Broknar breaks out for the Far Lands.
Slash: INDEED!
Josh: Hellllllloooooooooooo, ladies and gentlemen!

Slash: He saves against your fingers.

Slash: You could put your spirit there, heal someone else, and grant him 3d6 HP.
Matt: Hmm-mmm, could’ve done that.
Slash: But it’s Muckenfuss.

Patrick: I’m blind. Do not caw-caw me!


Patrick: I cast Tensor’s Floating Disk and we all go across one at a time.
Slash: Despite your best efforts, the disk wobbles oddly as it goes across, unable to orient itself properly in the odd gravity here. Even when it appears to be upside down, however, everybody on it stays firmly rooted to it.
Patrick: “I’m doing this on purpose!”
Sara: When we get off, I vomit on him.

Patrick: 28 Diplomacy. “We are lost travelers. How do we exit this plane?”
Joan: [ translating ] “We have no clue; how do we get out?”
Matt: Some of the diplomacy is lost in translation.

Joan: “Can we offer you anything to convince you to help us?”
Slash: Without turning back, he goes, “Nnnnnnnnope.”

Slash: In the distance, you see an airship approaching.
Josh: Hey, it’s The Expendables!

Slash: Upon seeing the name “Tratus” written across the airship’s hull, Loni’s despair vanishes.
Matt: What vanishes?
Slash: Her despair. Not her clothes.

Slash: Loni’s brother escaped capture, but his whereabouts are unknown.
Josh: What’s his name?
Slash: Oh, I don’t think I have it.
Josh: “Loni, what’s his name?” Make something up!
Matt: Bill! George!
Josh: Bob!
Patrick: Ricardo!
Slash: Bob the prince!
Joan: Leon.
Josh: Loni and Leon.
Slash: Loni and Leon, I like it. That’s his nickname; we’ll come up with a full name for him later.
Josh: Ventleon! …dra?
Robyn&Sara: Dro!
Slash: Ventleondro! I like it; that’s canon now!

Patrick: Muckenfuss calls for quiet, settles himself….
Matt: And gently weeps.

Lardojar Mouthcrapper

Slash: The priests collapse again in exhaustion.
Josh: “You guys gotta find a better way to do this.”
Patrick: “Have a Gatorade or something.”

Slash: Right now, the Stewards are in power.
Patrick: Are the Stewards over level 11?

Slash: Using a very simple cantrip that almost anyone could learn, he makes his name appear in midair in rapidly changing colors, like this. [ displays a GIF on the screen ]
Matt: [ reading out loud ] “Lardojar Mouthcrapper.”
Slash: “Hey you, it’s pronounced lair-dough-har mooth-kra-pay.”

Robyn: 27 Intimidate. I give him a withering stare.
Sara: “She’s just playing hard to get!” Arquera starts laughing harder.
Matt: The sisters are divided for the first time!

Slash: [ describing the calendar ] And yes, every four years they add a day. I think it’s Shield Day or something.

Matt: I can’t sleep. I’m in the short people ward and all I can hear all night is [ Lardojar’s ] “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” up and down the hallway.

The Topaz Chariot

Patrick: “Where is the nearest traitor?”
Slash: The hand points off toward that inn.
Josh: The Topaz Chariot. Is that like The Blue Oyster? We send in Muckenfuss.
Patrick: Why?
Josh: They’re your people!
Patrick: Because I’m blue?
Slash: You racist!
Josh: I’m a color racist.
Slash: A colorist.

Patrick: “Where is the headquarters of the Firestone Cable?”
Slash: The Firestorm Cabal? What did you say, the Firestone Cable?
Josh: “Now who’s mouth-crapping, Muckenfuss?”

Patrick: “What’s the name of the mage who cursed you?”
Slash: “Um…uh…Reido? Leyech?”
Patrick: “Do you have any idea what you’re saying right now?”
Slash: [ struggling not to laugh ] I can’t get this last one out…. “Beep?”
Josh: Beep?
Patrick: Meap? Put on a moustache and translate for us.

Slash: “He lives in a small hut near the beach.”
Patrick: “You live on a small island…”
Josh: “…in the sky….”
Patrick: “What beach?”
Robyn: “Are there penguins at this beach?”
Slash: “…sometimes!”

Patrick: “As a…short…person, do you think Dolg would have more luck talking to the halfling?”
Matt: “Is that a short joke?”
Patrick: “No….”
Slash: It’s a short observation.
Matt: “If you want short, you should open your robe and talk to him.”
Josh: “Ooooooooooh snap!” Broknar high-fives Dolg. Or low-fives Dolg.

Patrick: “You look hungry and thirsty. Would you like some food or drink?”
Slash: “…you hittin’ on me?”
Patrick: “My blue skin says I’m not.”
Matt: What color is your skin if you are?
Josh: Rainbow!
Slash: “I’m not into…mages.”

Encounter 2: Bar Room Brawl/Intel Gathering

Josh: Halfrand? So if he was a human, he’d be a Wholerand?
Slash: That was the name this NPC generator came up with. I was like, “So the random name for the halfling is Halfrand?”

Joan: I throw some coinage on the bar to buy the crazy elf a drink.
Matt: She recognizes him as her crazy uncle Larry. Ventlarrydro.

Josh: Muckenfuss speaks crazy.

Slash: She concentrates on the candle, and it freezes in a solid block. “Shit, that’s not right.”

Patrick: “How much for the lot?”
Slash: “For all of them? I’ll have to do some quick calculations….”
Robyn: “As long as it doesn’t involve a spell….”

Slash: “We have some aircraft you might be able to use. They’re a little experimental….”
Josh: “Awesome. Are they goliath-sized?”
Slash: “We might be able to make some modifications to the cockpit.”
Josh: “As long as that Mouthcrapper guy doesn’t get anywhere near them!”

Patrick: “We will shake down these experimental craft for free.” I mean, we’re not paying for them.
Slash: “Okay! We appreciate your services! We would have paid you for them, but….”
Josh: “Dammit, Muckenfuss.”

Encounter 3: Dogfight

[ Ed. Our place of work hands out Extra Mile Awards. ]
Slash: I’ll be handing out these cards in cases where you’ve done something cool, like a neat bit of roleplay.
Robyn: So, like, going the Extra Mile?

Matt: What’s my ship’s initiative?
Slash: The initiative check for your ship is the same as that for your character.
Matt: That’s no good.

Josh: An enemy mothership! I infect it with a virus!
Slash: Using your MacBook.

Josh: I’ll give you my card because it sucks!
Patrick: Way to be a team player.

Sara: 14? Oh, no, sorry. 24.
Robyn: I was going to say, if you got a 14, you rolled a 0.

Slash: That’s like one 3, three 6s and a 5 that mob museum d6 has rolled tonight. I’m keeping an eye on it.
Matt: Do they make d20s?

Slash: He goes flying off, sans legs.
Josh: Yay! I love “sans legs.”
Patrick: He’s my favorite character.

Patrick: [ after his ship is destroyed ] Now I can give him the finger with both hands.
Sara: Was that your plan all along? Get your ship destroyed?
Patrick: Miss all the time, sure.
Slash: And then the Badminton World Federation kicks him out. Reference.
Josh: Topical reference.

[ After Muckenfuss has commandeered an enemy ship… ]
Joan: How do we signal to everybody that this is Muckenfuss now?
Josh: I shoot down Muckenfuss!

Encounter 4: Entrance

Patrick: Can we surprise them?
Slash: Yeah, you’ll get a surprise round.
Patrick: We surprise them.
Josh: “Boo!”

Slash: You are going to severely dislike this. They have a fiery riposte. Miss. Miss.
Matt: Do you “severely dislike” this?
Slash: I am going to severely dislike this.

Robyn: If I expend an action point to take an extra action, I can do Sneak Attack damage again. So I’m going to expend my action point and do Disheartening Strike. [ rolls ] 20! d6+8 = 14….
Slash: Plus another 24 for the Sneak Attack damage, so we’re at 38….
Robyn: +1d6 per plus… [ rolls ] +8. Oh, and Death Dealer, I get +2 to each damage die.
Slash: Geez, so….
Josh: She carves her name into his back like ten times.
Matt: Q, Q, Q, Q, Q…okay Zorro, that’s enough!

Matt: [ via iPod ] “Wings of Justice! Ca-caw!”
Patrick “Aaaa! I’m bloodied for gods’ sakes!”

Matt: Right before she kills him, she lifts off her mask and says, “I want my family back, bitch!”

Encounter 5: Supply Room 1

Robyn: I use hand signals to indicate the two fire bats.
Josh: Broknar is confused.
Matt: Steal third?

Robyn: [ after racking up 51 points of damage on a coup de grace ] Sucker Punch. If I roll a 6 on the d6 I take 6 damage also. [ rolls ] 5.
Slash: Wow, that’s impressive.

Patrick: I shift up one. [ reconsiders ] I move up two. [ reconsiders ] I move up three.
Josh: Muckenfuss’s turn is over.

Patrick: Malediction of Rigidity. Muckenfuss’s viagra.
Matt: Muckenfuss pitches a tent.
Slash: Oh, it’s late.
Patrick: It’s a good viagra. It’s 1d8 plus 10 ongoing.
Matt: If the power lasts more than 4 hours past the end of the encounter….
Slash: If you fail more than 3 consecutive saves, see a doctor.
Joan: I’ll take one for the team.
Matt: WHAT?!?

Robyn: Ze’ev counts as a companion, right?
Matt: Not like in Firefly, but yeah.
Patrick: Why’d you have to go there?
Matt: You started it!
Patrick: All I said was viagra.
Josh: 18 times!
Matt: You defined the line so I could cross it.

Josh: Broknar turns invisible.
Matt: “Wait, where’d you go, brother?”
Josh: “It’s part of my armor.”
Matt: “Can you turn it on and off whenever you want?”
Josh: You’re going to hide in Loni’s room, aren’t you? “It’s a little big for you, Dolg.”

Joan: [ accidentally knocks over Broknar’s mini ]
Josh: “Ow!”
Joan: “I found Broknar!”

Slash: Why doesn’t Muckenfuss move up and—oh, you’re too rigid to move.
Patrick: I believe I can make them bow to my….

First Key

Slash: As soon as Broknar starts opening a crate….
Josh: I see the words, “This explodes.”

Patrick: As I open each crate…successfully…I look at Broknar.
Josh: I hang my head in shame.

[ faced with a very magical puzzle ]
Josh: Broknar juggles barrels. My INT is…11.

Josh: “That’s all the pi I know. Does one of these symbols stand for peach?”

Encounter 6: Guard Barracks

Patrick: As a party, we all about-face.
Sara: And somehow Arquera ends up in the back anyway.

Slash: “Is that the princess?!?” Oh wait, you had a mask on, didn’t you?
Matt: “That’s awfully insightful!”

Slash: I show that you have Malediction of Rigidity still available.
Patrick: No, I used that last encounter.
Josh: We appreciate your honesty. [ stage whisper ] Next time, lie!

[ referring to a manifestation ]
Matt: Twin Panthers on Demonic Muckenfuss #4.
Josh: [ laughs ] They all look like you!

Slash: His angry growl shakes your very soul.
Patrick: I raise one eyebrow.
Matt: What’s weird is that he raises it using a finger.
Josh: He uses Hand of Fate.

Patrick: [ rolling a save ] I did not pass. I Demand Justice on myself!
Josh: I will not suck!

Patrick: I’m down.
Robyn: Now they’ll take a -2 penalty to attack you at range.
Slash: [ laughs ] So look on the bright side! Hello? Why aren’t you listening?
Patrick: Because I’m unconscious!

Patrick: I look deep into his eyes and say, “You will meet the Raven Queen. In less than…6 seconds.”
Slash: “I just have to wait for my turn to come around.” And he’s so confused.

Slash: “I will never bow to you, impotent magician.”
Patrick: “Just wait until I rest and get my Malediction of Rigidity back! I will teabag your corpse.”
Slash: “I’m a spirit, moron. I don’t leave a corpse.”

Joan: Pffft, 23 vs. AC.
Slash: That’s enough.
Matt: It’s also a 28.
Joan: Oh. No it’s not. Oh yes, it is. That’s a nine; I thought it was a six.

Minecraft Puzzle

Josh: What’s the wall made out of?
Patrick: Unobtainium.

Slash: Inside one of the boxes is a log.
Josh: I read the log.
Slash: No, I mean, a wooden log.
Josh: I hit Muckenfuss with it.

Encounter 7: Finale

Patrick: Maybe he should riposte.
Josh: Shut up! Same team!

Patrick: [ as I reveal more enemies ] But I turned [ the dragon ] off!
The enemies enter via stairs instead.
Matt: Quick, hack the stairs!

Matt: “This is the worst case of Mummy Rot I’ve ever seen!” “You’ve never seen a single case before!” “This is the worst case of Mummy Rot I’ve ever seen!”

Quotes from Elemental Chaos

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